grandparents are too precious for this world
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When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It was worth a shot 😂
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers