grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
mood
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.