A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer
2: Where mommy?
Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.
2: Mommy is meat?
Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.