GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.