Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
pat pat
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!