How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m sorry…what?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit