@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

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@ClichedOut

Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@theashleyray

this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly

@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@BuckyIsotope

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

@LMLMadness

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.