Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

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Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.


[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”


Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.


this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly


me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*


WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys


It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane


Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.