“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”