graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
cat faces on other animals, a thread