Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Okey dokey.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
what do you want!!!!!!!!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.