(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Otters see a butterfly.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man