From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
FINE, I WON’T.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.