Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!