Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.


If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.


How much to learn the thriller dance moves?

“Ma’am… this is senior citizens Zumba class!”


[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.


Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.


Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.


Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.


Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read


Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.