Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
(by @ZachWeiner )
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.