Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring