Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.