@mc_funbags

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

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@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they hate bacon…

I can’t even find words…

It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

@karanbirtinna

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@Skullcat

Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.

@bornmiserable

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

@WilliamAder

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

@QwertyJones3

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.