Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

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Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.


Someone just told me that they hate bacon…

I can’t even find words…

It’s like someone just murdered a rainbow.


wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework


Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.


As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.


Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.


COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.


Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.


The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.