[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways
In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.
UFO: *lands on my lawn
Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass
the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.
one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.