@JimmerThatisAll

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

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@Jamberee13

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@ericsshadow

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

@FeelingEuphoric

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

@laffytakky

In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

@ThaJawn

UFO: *lands on my lawn

Me: *peeking through blinds* better not kill my grass

@platinumjones

the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history

@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@kellysdf

Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.