GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan


I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir


Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.


Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!


I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.


my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*


Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?


Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.


maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america