@Michael1979

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

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@daemonic3

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

@PatsATweetin

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

@QwertyJones3

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.

@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@jonnysun

maybe the white peopel who are scared of immigrants are only scared b/c they kno what white peopel did when they first immigrated to america