Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
ME: no paris
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
– a love story
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family
Where’s my phone?