Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people

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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know


ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris


It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.


AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.


Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”


I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.


[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea


Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex


*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family

Where’s my phone?