Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good