Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
saw this in a dream
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full