Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.


my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.


If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*



Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.


I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy


Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark


On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing


Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.