@shatty48
@robfee
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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@robfee
@atragedyoflove
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
@JoshontheGo
If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.
@SimplySnaccbar
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
@PaperWash
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
@OfHella
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
@TheBoydP
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
@AndrewsNotFunny
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
@dildointherough
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
@ThisOneSayz
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.