Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.


ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?


“Eating Clean” means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I “eat clean”.


My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’


So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.


Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.