Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Childbirth is so beautiful
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?