@USMCSDI

Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

You Might Also Like

@thepaulahunt

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

@TheTweetOfGod

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@thatUPSdude

“Eating Clean” means not leaving a scrap behind on your plate right?

Then yes, I “eat clean”.

@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@SukaSycho420

So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.

@SarcasticAlly12

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.