Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise