Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
what
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.