the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳