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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single


Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed


If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.


charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not


BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days – tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.

I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.


“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets


I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.


i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them


I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.


*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”