AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Digital security in Ancient Troy
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
How is it still this week?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.