People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Holy shit he’s back
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.