*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
Ok hear me out.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.