Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
File under excellent bookstore names.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.