Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Dietest Coke
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
There is no try. There is only give up.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
he chose this
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.