Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Thursday Thought.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
These are my roll models.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.