GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT