Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.