@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

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@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.

@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@markydoodoo

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

@stuckinaportal

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

@T_Bonezzz_

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.