Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.


I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.


The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.


Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.


Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.


*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*


“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.