Great acting.. 馃槀
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings庐.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you鈥檙e wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it鈥檚 because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”