Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Finally, a door that understands me
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.