Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.