@causticbob

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

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@notorious_stars

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@Home_Halfway

People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@Michabean

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.

Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.

*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

@Sickayduh

I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair