Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster