My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
god: men, do u want pockets?
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
god: lmao no
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.
Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.
*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.
Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair