Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.