Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?