The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.