Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Word!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Every work meeting this week
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No