[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
You Might Also Like
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Ah yes. The three genders
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!