Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.