Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Breaking news:
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo