Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.