@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

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@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’ll straight up bring a farmer to a flea market and a flea to a farmers market I really don’t give a shit anymore.

@better_off_dad2

16: Why do I have to go to college?

Me: It’s the next big step on your journey.

16: My journey where?

Me: Out of this house.

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@writeden

He told me “irregardless” was his least favorite word so I pulled him in close and whispered it in his ear.

@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

@DrakeGatsby

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

@LostFelicia

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place