dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
pixar movies 20 years ago: haha talking toys!
pixar movies now: how do you identify your life’s purpose? what structures your identity & makes you, you? how do you deal with love & loss? what can we do to find joy in life despite the meaninglessness of our existence? how do we
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s