@darksidedeb

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

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@5ive_zw

dude this burger needs to drop the skin care routine.

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

@ginger_xtc

build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

@Harpers_Halo

When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair

@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

@sarahndipity18

pixar movies 20 years ago: haha talking toys!

pixar movies now: how do you identify your life’s purpose? what structures your identity & makes you, you? how do you deal with love & loss? what can we do to find joy in life despite the meaninglessness of our existence? how do we

@Home_Halfway

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

@attsmcjay

I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s