Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.