Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
How to wake up a Beagle
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour