greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink